Posted in Living Intentional

In an instant the raw, true, hidden you, spills through.

I instantly broke into tears,

I wanted to fall to my knees in desperation.

 

It’s been a Friday! A typical Friday when I should be excited to come home and start my weekend, but, unfortunately, I am unsettled. It’s been a day. So I get home and start the evening routine of chatting about the day with Wally and my youngest. It’s our typical evening routine, until they leave to go pick up pizzas for dinner since we decided to take advantage of the online deal of 50% off! Yes! Especially when it works on the regularly priced $23 Gluten Free pizza, just for a small! (That’s another subject all together!) This typically doesn’t happen in our house as we love the true meaning of pizza delivery, but carryout saves MONEY, which we are all about these days!

My husband suggested I stay behind as he knew this trip was the last thing I wanted to do. I welcomed this moment for some much needed decompression. A time to try and gather my thoughts together to be able to give myself to them as the happy, “TGI Friday night” Mom and wife that I so desired to be. As I stood at the kitchen counter scrolling through Facebook on my phone, I came across this amazing song by Jeremy Camp’s daughter. I was instantly mesmerized and drawn in.

As this angelic voice sings, “Behold, the Glory to God in the highest”, rings out, I instantly broke into tears wanting to fall to my knees. In that moment, I truly felt like the hand of God gently placed itself on my shoulder to say…”Just listen.  Be still and know. I am here.”

I am a mother with the daily stresses and constant worry for her kids, their choices, and the fact that they are out of my control with the choices they make.  I feel like I am standing on the shore watching them in that little boat without oars, just floating away with the current, and I can’t reach them!

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I spend 5 days a week, 8 hours a day at work with negativity, harsh words, constant finger pointing, being talked down to, and very little opportunity to be that happy person that was, used to be, inside me.

I am sick. I am tired. I have an “illness” that can not be explained by doctors, yet they tell me they are seeing it more and more in other patients, yet none can diagnose it, it’s unseen by others, but completely felt by me, giving the appearance of being a miserable person, which is exactly what I feel. This type of person is one that I never used to know and could never relate to. Talk about the struggle of being a people pleaser! Such an inward battle of the mind and body.

The anxiety and stress creep in and take control of me daily, it takes over not just in the mind, but it takes over the body; the headaches, the achy pain in the shoulders, the nausea. At any given time of the day, in bed, while at work, when coming home, on a Saturday while trying to sleep in,  it’s actually uncontrollable. About what you ask? Well, all of the above. We all have our reasons which vary so much.

It’s these thoughts, feelings, and expressions are what is Under THIS Roof.  A real mom, a  real woman, a real friend, a real wife, a real daughter, a real professional struggling with many changes, the kind that are slow and go unseen, yet sometimes can be drastic, while trying to appear all together for so many around her when really, truly, deeply, is just the hot mess standing in front of the mirror found in the morning looking so deep to find herself, the one that she knows is in there, the one that others used to know and love, the one that her husband married so many years ago before this person emerged.

How do we get we back? Get back to the person we know. How do we stabilize ourselves to be happy and realize that other people are not in control of our thoughts and feelings, and our reactions? They have to live with their actions, even if they are not, well….not really what we believe is the best for them.  How do we lower our standards for others that we expect so much more from.  How do we continue to people please?

Well, this little Bella says it all, raised in a family with parents that are true believers that have given their lives to live for the Glory of God. This little girl sees it!

Behold, Jesus is Born! Glory to God in the highest!  

 Jesus is born, Glory to God, forever. Now there is hope in our lives cause god is loving and kind even though we fail he’s still Emmanuel, Hallelu-hallelujah , Behold! Jesus is born! Glory to god, in the highest! Behold! Jesus is born! Glory to God, forever. He is our shepherd and he is our strength, I won’t be afraid,  I won’t be afraid! He is our comfort and he is our friend,

I won’t be afraid, I won’t be afraid!

These words are so comforting. More than any words that could come from my husband. More than any words that could come from my mom. It’s the words that I need to have in my heart, my heart. It’s the words I need to go deep down to believe, the FAITH that I talk so much about.

So to get through all these feelings tonight, the only way is to hear this song, repeat, over and over while these words embed themselves with this soothing tune in my head, my heart and my soul this evening. To be able to not press replay, yet hear this melody play over and over.

Once again, I truly believe that God engages us just in the right place, with the right song, at the right moment, for the right solution that we are seeking, even in those times that we might not realize that we are seeking.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14.27

So often we think that we are being obedient when we realize we are not truly seeking his word for comfort. It’s in these times that he continues to draw us near when we are feeling pulled down in our lowest moments. On our knees with our hearts yearning to look up, but that feeling of unworthiness to extend our hands up, to reach out and up to him to allow him to enter with the comfort we don’t feel we deserve.

It’s in these moments that we must hold onto these little mustard seeds of faith and remember the sweetest of words that could ever be spoken to us, the sinners, the worriers, the weary that falls short in our faith…

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 2:9

Tonight I wish you enough faith to feel his grace. Not just to remember these words, but to feel these words, to recite these words.

 “Now there is hope in our lives, cause God is loving and kind, even though we fail, he is Emmanuel.

He is our shepherd and he is our strength, I won’t be afraid,  I won’t be afraid!

He is our comfort and he is our friend, I won’t be afraid”

I won’t be afraid!  Let’s have the heart of this beautiful 10 year that has been raised by parents that truly have given their life to God, are living for him, glorifying him, and letting God guide their lives and their family!  

Doesn’t that sound less exhausting.  I wish you enough, faith and peace, my friends!

 

 

Author:

I’m a wife of 23 years, mother of 3 kids; 15, 18 and 22, pet owner of 2 dogs and a cat, a fish (if it’s still alive). I'm living an imperfect life in a colonial home in suburbia trying to make everything around me perfect!

6 thoughts on “In an instant the raw, true, hidden you, spills through.

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